I'm Mad for Madness Sake!

So, sometimes people who believe in Jesus get mad at each other. I get it. I do. I get mad at people who believe in Jesus all the time. I get mad at people who don't believe in Jesus too. Basically if you are breathing, there is a possibility for me to get angry with or at you. I understand how easy it is to get worked up over things that other people say in the name of Christ and want to assert your opinion and make sure that people know that what they said was not full of grace. I don't think this is bad. However, I don't think this is always good.

As a believer who has been slowly walking through the thorny, bristly, path of faith, I sometimes want to just stop and lay down. I want to just say "Okay, its easier to argue with everyone about how Jesus would want to love people than to live like someone who loves Jesus." I don't think that all the theologians out there or people with sincere convictions are in the wrong and that they should stop voicing their thoughts. I just find that sometimes all these arguments, all these "Hey Mark Driscoll I totally disagree with what you said" type of statements can form this cycle of pseudo righteous anger. On and on and on it goes. You're cool if you have something negative to say about a certain pastor or if you make fun of something about some group of evangelical people. But it just gets so tiring. It feels easy to disagree with things. Its hard to find common ground. I am totally in the group of people that find a ton of negative things to say about Christianity, which is why I am trying to process through this. Sometimes, it seems like there is so much disagreement going on about things believers say that they shouldn't have said that it becomes hard to figure out what Christians do agree on.

I have no answer to these questions. The end.

layers

Sometimes, when people talk about listening to christian radio stations or reading uber-devotional-type books or start saying things about "the Lord," I just start to cringe. I think I've been going through this strange balancing act of being genuine in my love for God and being super cautious/wary of religiosity type things. I think I generally tend to take people who lack in creatively expressing their thoughts about God as being insincere. And that tends to make me angry. But today I was thinking, "Why should I get angry about that? Sometimes, people can say cheesy things and genuinely mean them." It made me think that anger or cynicism is just another layer that distracts us from God. Its sort of like stress. When things start piling up, you start to stress about each little thing and it takes your mind off of what you are really trying to get done.

Random blopping of words/thoughts: I literally have been forgetting what day it is all day today and yesterday! I keep thinking "Oh, lovely! It's Thursday!" or "Oh wow, its Monday. wah wah wah..." But no, it is Tuesday. I feel like I need a Gandalf-like voice over telling me "It is June the 28th, in the year 2011" but alas, I am short one Gandalf.
Internship: Isn't this lovely structure?! Bleh, oh well. So, I am in my first official internship at a really great organization! I go through very mixed feelings about my time there. Part of me wants more responsibility and part of me feels like I can't handle the small amount of responsibility they've given me so far. Its quite the conundrum. I also have been ridiculously hyposocial and I want to rip out the socially malfunctioning  part of my brain and douse it in a big vat of extroversion juice. I am like two different people at school and at my internship: I am fairly calm about school papers and such but when it comes to performing in front of supervisors and talking to others in a professional yet friendly setting, I flounder. Big time. I'm going right back through that social anxiety stuff of getting light-headed and my voice getting high pitched and randomly coughing for no reason just because my body gets so tense and needs to do SOMETHING for goodness sake! Run, run, run away sentence structure. I'm tired and just feeling a tinge unhealthy as of late. Thats probably not helping things. I feel quite whiney.
Dustin is a good spectacular husband. I know God sewed little pieces of holy matrimony thread through our souls for a reason. Dustin is encouraging and supportive and a good listener and so kind and so hot. :)
Moths: Can the world just be done with bugs who flap, flap, flap their wings in your face at nighttime and come in through your window unit air conditioner to terrorize your sleep? Window units are classy, don't hate.

And thus, I conclude my dexterous mind-tongue and bid you blogland a fair and peaceful journey through the deep dark of night. 

Girls

Tonight I had a very lovely dinner with my friend and a couple of her friends. They were just so sweet and friendly that it made me wonder why aren't girls always like this?!? We are so much better when we are kind to others. I know we girls sometimes have these little mechanisms in our brains that make our eyes see every other girl as a potential enemy instead of a potential friend (I do this sometimes and I just hate it). But really, just think how much more pleasant life would be if you thought "wow she's really nice and cool." instead of thinking "wow, she's pretty or has better clothes than me so I am going to dislike her." So, be nice and don't hate. The end. 

Whats a blog to do?

Since I decided to start this blog, I have been racking my mind thinking of what kind of blog I wanted it to be. Should it be a grad student's life journey kind of blog, should it be a review type blog, a a picture blog, a super witty blog? It sort of gave me an identity crisis. What kind of blogger am I? I know, I know, these are seriously tough questions to answer.... but I have come to a conclusion!

I am a becca kind of blogger. Simply put, I don't know if there is a niche for me in this blogging world. But if I feel like writing something, I will.

Happy Monday!

Twilight, I don't wanna fight...

It only seems fitting to write about teen vampire books and movies after writing about social awkwardness, right?

I will admit, when I first heard about the Twilight books, I thought they sounded completely ridiculous. And then I saw the first Twilight movie and thought it was sort of ridiculous with horrible directing and sort of terrible acting, but it made me want to read the books. So I did. And I read them in about 3 weeks, which is a super fast time frame for me to read FOUR books. And subsequently, I have seen all of the movies that have been released and will absolutely be going to see the two Breaking Dawn movies. So, I thought I would give a Becca-esque review of the books first and then  the movies.  

The books

Overall, the books are mostly only good for entertainment purposes. There’s not much depth to them. And, sidenote: Bella Swan is NOT a good role model for young girls. (If you want a strong, confident role model for young girls/adolescents, you should read The Hunger Games). The writing is not great. But, where Stephenie Meyer lacks in the creative-and-skillful-use-of-words department, she basically makes up in her story telling. She is able to create a world that sounds more or less believable…. to some extent. Though she is absolutely not in the realm of J.K.Rowling, she does know how to tell an entertaining story.  

    I’m just going to assume everyone that might possibly reads this, already knows the general synopsis of the Twilight series so I’m not going to go into that.

   Another sidenote: I would never, ever recommend girls younger than 13 or 14 to read these books. No, they aren’t demonic or obscene. They just sort of absolutely make it seem like its okay for a girl in high school to become completely obsessed with a guy who “isn’t good for her.” And they make it seem like you can just have these little sex kitten make-out sessions with your hulky boyfriend and he will be the one to demonstrate self-control. Ha! Anyways, that was sort of a tangent.

Twilight (the book): This may be my favorite of the series. It actually tells a story that, for Stephenie Meyer, shows more depth than some of the other books. Yeah, the dialogue is super cheesy at times, but it works somehow. It’s definitely a quick read if you are over the age of 10. It also focuses a little more on Bella as an actual character, rather than just the other half of Edward. It doesn’t change your life or anything but it is a nice/entertaining time-passer. I would give it a grade of B+ or A-.

New Moon(book): I think the best thing about this book were the Volturi. They are just cool. Good job, Mrs.Meyer. J The first time I read this, I just kind of hated it because I didn’t want Jacob to be involved with Bella at all. Then I read it a second time and I liked it a lot more. It’s nice to see Bella without Edward even if she is semi-suicidal-ish. Its not really cool that Bella’s character is so manipulative of Jacob and Edward’s emotions. But I guess in a perfect world, or a very fictional world, women can get away with that sort of thing and everything turns out just fine. Anyways, I would give this book a grade of: B or B+.

Eclipse: Yawn. I really did not care for this book. It was like the middle child, wearing hand-me-down clothes that don’t fit right. Bella, Edward, and Jacob all have extremely annoying moments in this book. Edward needs to let those steely balls drop and man up to Jacob and Jacob needs to just move on. Bella could have died in this book and I would have been okay with that. Ok, maybe not, but needless to say this was not my favorite book at all. I would give it a solid C-.

Breaking Dawn: Ok, I lied, this book is actually probably my favorite. Yay very interesting things happen in this book! Obviously, Bella and Edward get to do the love bag dance which was pretty tastefully written. The sections where the story is written from Jacob’s perspective are sort of …. not so great but bearable. Then cool things happen with Bella. Then weird things happen between  Bella’s offspring and Jacob. Too weird for me. Then there is some fighting and then a quick but nice ending. I would give this book a grade of: A.

So…. what do YOU think of the books? Are they in your fireplace or on the mantle? Are they something you would read frequently, infrequently, or never? 

Hyposocial

This post is going to be all about being shy. Just so you know. 


I don't know if other shy people think about and analyze their shyness...but I do. A lot. I have always been a shy person, even when I was little. I don't know why. But there is also a side of me that is not shy at all. There's a side that likes attention and likes to be outgoing. So...that makes for a bit of conflict in my brain. 

Basically, I equate shyness with mild-to-extreme social anxiety. I think being a quiet person is different than being shy. Being quiet just means you don't talk all of the time or you only say things that you really mean to say. Being shy means you are literally scared to talk or to be yourself in a given situation. 


So, when I say I am shy, I mean that I have alot of social anxiety. Not in every social situation, just mostly in situations that involve more than three people or authority figures. My shyness was so bad in college (undergrad) that I would literally get light headed if I even thought about answering a question in class. My palms would sweat and I thought I would pass out. And then I felt like my whole body would just lock up and I knew I wouldn't be able to speak. It was not fun.  However, giving a prepared speech never bothered me too much. I think because I knew exactly what I would say because it was all planned out. Now, I still get shy in school but I am more concentrated on fighting against it. Whenever I go to talk to my professors, I have to take a deep breath and say a little mantra in my head. I still end up sometimes being out of breath and having my heart race but I just force myself to try to be calm and I talk a little slower. I think it also helps that talking to my professors is usually a brief interaction and so I know that I will get leave the situation soon. 


When I am in groups of people, my anxiety is just sort of annoying to me. I like people. I like getting to know people and letting people get to know me. Unfortunately, if it is a big group of people I usually feel so anxious that all I think about doing is leaving or hiding the fact that I am so anxious. This becomes super annoying when I am going to a friend's birthday party or baby shower or any celebratory event that involves *gasp* more than two or three people. In groups, my shyness sort of morphs into a complete lack of social grace. I fidget. I avoid eye contact (which I totally hate doing). My voice gets higher. I stare alot without meaning to. I say "That's cool" waaay too many times. And sometimes I throw up. Haha, no I don't ever do that. :) 


 A couple of months ago, I was so frustrated with being shy and just felt like I wanted my life to change. I wanted to be a warm and friendly person, not someone who freaks out about going to a birthday dinner and then is silent unless someone talks to me first. So, I started praying and crying. I prayed for a long time, probably most of the night. The next morning, I woke up and I just had this string of thoughts: I love people. I am not afraid. God is with me. I don't need to be afraid because He is with me. I can't even explain how amazing I felt that whole day. It was a Sunday so I actually went to church (which has been an anxiety invoking thing for me in the past because of the large amounts of people). I made myself talk to people. And every time, I was about to speak, I just reminded myself of those thoughts I had had in the morning. It helped. A lot. I was calm. I got so much more out of conversations than I usually do, because I was actually actively listening instead of worrying about what I would say next. I thought my whole "little social problem" was fixed! 


Now, a few months after my little revelation, I don't feel quite as anxious as I used to. Unfortunately, I have let some of the fear creep back into my life. Overall though, I think I am slowly, sometimes painfully, getting to a much better place. I am learning a lot about myself through this process. I think part of getting over this anxiety is not allowing myself to think a lot of negative thoughts about how others will perceive me. I know it sounds super cheesy, but you have to love yourself in order to change. So, I love me:) 


If this post made you fall asleep, sorry. Its just something I wanted to write about. I think my next post will be about the Twilight books/movies/madness or Harry Potter because those are super mature, interesting topics. :) 

Fey vs Poehler

I looooooooooove Tina Fey. I also really like Amy Poehler. Tina Fey is sort of my hero and if I ever met her I would probably say something extremely awkward and then I would hug her.

So, who do you like more? Tina Fey or Amy Poehler?

By the way, I have a test tomorrow and I am being a bad student and doing everything except studying. 

Good things, bad things, inbetween things

Good things: I got a job! My husband is nice and good-looking. :)  cold weather + Nutella = gooood.

In between things: School. School. School.

Bad things: Still bummed about POMx iced coffee drink being discontinued. I have a test on Wednesday.

My mind is full of jumbly thoughts so all my creative energy is being spent not on blogging at the moment.

Thoughts on being a broke ass grad student

I would like to be broke like Lo-lo here. She probably still has a million dollars tucked away somewhere...somewhere I would not want to go, but still. 


Being a grad student is essentially choosing to be a slave to your school for however long it takes you to get your degree. Sometimes, I love being a student. I actually like learning and I love getting to work with clients. I love that sometimes I get a day off due to snow or a professor's kindness. I love spring break and Christmas break too. But, I am poor. And being poor is not fun. I know that eventually all this schooling and such will pay off because I'll be able to get a decent to well paying job. But right now, its very difficult. (And if you read this and you are thinking that I should just go get a job, well, I'm working on it but it is hard to find a job that would hire me with my extremely fluctuating schedule and limited availability.) 


   On a positive note, that POMx iced coffee drink I talked about so much is now discontinued. 


   Maybe I should start drinking tigers blood.... 

POMx iced coffee will make you want to jiggle jaggle

POMx iced coffee vanilla

This drink is the Shiz Niz. Its literally the best caffeine drink I have ever had. Its made by the POM wonderful people so it even has all those nice little antioxidants they are so proud of. The only negative of this drink is that it is only sold in ONE store in OKC. ONE! And, that particular store only gets them like every two weeks....And I'm pretty certain that I am the only soul in OKC that buys this drink because every time I am at the store, the only bottles missing are the ones that I bought. Anyways, this drink tastes smooth and vanilla-y and gives you the caffeine boost without the caffeine crash. Bottom line: this drink will wake you up, and make you love life a little more. 
     

The Land of a Ragland

     For the past few weeks, I have been thinking, “Hey self, you should really start blogging again. It’d be a great way to get all that excess creative energy out.” Well, this is me blogging. Again. My sixth (okay, technically, ahem… seventh) blog.

    Since I’m pretty terrible with introductions, I will just jump right in. I’m Becca and I’m a grad student and I’m married. That’s a very loaded sentence if you have ever experienced being a Becca, or being a grad student, or being married or being all of these things at the same time.

     So there it is. Welcome to my blog!